Any Of Yr Hubbies Work Very Late Every Day?

[LinDa 0]

Wah....Linda....U say out exactly wat I am tinking.....

Great minds tink alike man....

chunky monkey is going to start lecturing us again!! hee hee..

Super agree!!!

zhi ji!! lets form a club with karen.. haha~

I tink it is fine with the 20% monitoring....

Quote an example, my HB recently keep on bugging me go shopping

with him for new shirts.....which he seldom does in the past...mabbe cos

he is in the uniformed grp last time...

Bt even though last time, when we hv a function or formal dinner to attend,

he will be so lazy to buy too....sometimes ask me to buy or being forced by

me to go 2gether...

Buying more new shirts though he already hv around 18 of them in the wardrobe?

Haa....Guess I need to monitor man....

now got peer pressure mar.. last time all wear the same uniform.. maybe oso GSS more worth it??

i oso asking my hubby to buy some office wear (shirts and pants) now coz of GSS.. but he havent find job yet so dont know do wat a bit hard to buy.. scarely he really take up my suggestion to deliver ice-cream (after the taxi driver and bus driver idea) keke.. ice cream man dont need wear so nice.. giordano t-shirts and lawman jeans can liao..

i also agree on 80% trust and 20% monitor. really have to monitor lor. must "smell" whether anything fishy is going on a not.

hee.. ey girl, i think u got lesser to worry!! so far i read, yr hubby sounds so loving..

Edited June 1, 2007 by LinDa

[korea 0]

hee.. ey girl, i think u got lesser to worry!! so far i read, yr hubby sounds so loving..

no matter what also must use the 80% trust and 20% monitor "rule".

[Chunky Monkey 2]

LinDa, I'm not going to lecture you all at all. It does sound like you have your reasons for concern, and if this is the way your marriage is going to stay, what else can I as a stranger say? It is just not the way I would want my own marriage to be.

[korea 0]

the word monitor doesn't mean we don't trust at all but it's more like a look-out.

[Chunky Monkey 2]

the word monitor doesn't mean we don't trust at all but it's more like a look-out.

"Look out" ... only because you have reason for concern.

[korea 0]

"Look out" ... only because you have reason for concern.

b'cos there're many loose women exist in this world so must look-out.

[Chunky Monkey 2]

^^ It's probably easier to think that external factors are the cause of an insecure relationship. I am going to sound very philosophical again .... but I think if a couple's expectations of what their marriage should be is in disparity, it is the root of marital problems.

To put this simply, and I really hate to flog a dead horse, every couple should talk about their insecurities and iron out any ripples. And both parties must be good listeners, and take note of each other's feelings.

Yes, there will always be women who find married men very attractive and scoring with married men may mean triumph in their minds. Married men, on the other hand, may have an ego boost when other women still find them attractive. These are all games. All too fatal, if you ask me. The question is whether if you partake in them or not. The choice is very clear. If either one of you still lust over a bit of thrill here or there, when a marital problem arises, I can only say "you asked for it". Sad, curt ... but very true. And I don't make excuses.

I don't, and neither does my husband subject ourselves in precarious situations. You never know what the influence of alcohol can make you do. I respect my husband alot and I keep my distances from men. And I never meet a male friend on my own. All my male friends have become my husband's friends as well. Friendships are important. But the man I married is far more important than any other relationships. And my husband is my best friend.

If you think that you need to monitor .... this is an unhealthy sign in your marriage. Undeniably so. The better thing to do, is to find time to talk about your state of your marriage with your husband. Discuss with your husband what matters to you. We have digressed alot from the main topic of this thread. I think if you are not comfortable with your husbands doing too much late night entertainment, you should discuss with him and reveal how that makes you feel. Very delicately. I don't mean you go and scold him. That will only push him away. Husbands hate to be think that they have done wrong. They will work harder if they think they did something right, and that you're proud of them. So on occasions that he does come back home early, don't pass snide remarks like "wah, today the sun came out from the west ah, come back so early". You should say things like "Thanks for making the effort to come back earlier today" Full stop. And let him have his peace at home and come to you to talk. Don't jump on him and on on verbal diarrheoa. He will be scared off and come back later next time.

It's completely rubbish that a sales frontline job *must* entertain *all the time*. It's alot of bull****. Frontline jobs are better suited for singles. If your husband's job bothers you and makes you insecure. Talk it out. A responsible husband will change his job to save his marriage. No MCP crap here. My husband has to entertain. But you know what, it's confined to lunches. Period.

Edited June 1, 2007 by Chunky Monkey

[zirhk3355 1]

If you think that you need to monitor .... this is an unhealthy sign in your marriage. Undeniably so. The better thing to do, is to find time to talk about your state of your marriage with your husband. Discuss with your husband what matters to you.

I think for these young women, it not so much that there is something wrong with the marriage that the wife starts to monitor the husband - that can, like you said, be resolved with some serious 'talk-it-out'. I always believe if there is a problem, there is always a solution.

However, pertinently from what I see from our young friends here is that they seemed to walk into a marriage worshipping the 80-20 trust's rule, pre-disposed with the 'benefits' of husbands' monitoring and advocating some kinda "women's support group" for those with the late-nite-husbands. All these, when the marriages are still sailing smoothly, without a single glitch, without the husbands having done anything wrong (or yet, so they may say...).

And if there is no problem, how do we solve anything? I believe this is the very reason why your kind words had been falling on deaf ears. And that, Chunky Monkey, is really scary to me. I seriously feel for their husbands...

[Chunky Monkey 2]

zirhk, looks like you are the only one who can see the woods for the trees and can relate to what I am driving at. I am not going to flog a dead horse. I wrote it as tongue in cheek but I also meant what I said. It's my last post in this thread.

The 80-20 mantra ... is very few words ... is very worrying. It is not what love it, let alone marriage. And honestly, no woman is any smarter and comes out the winner with 80-20.

[singhao 0]

zirhk, looks like you are the only one who can see the woods for the trees and can relate to what I am driving at. I am not going to flog a dead horse. I wrote it as tongue in cheek but I also meant what I said. It's my last post in this thread.

The 80-20 mantra ... is very few words ... is very worrying. It is not what love it, let alone marriage. And honestly, no woman is any smarter and comes out the winner with 80-20.

Hi Chunky Monkey, zirhk3355 and other ladies in this thread. After reading this thread, i felt that I have to lend support to your viewpoints. For the record, i'm male, and 100% against the 80-20 trust 'rule' and all its other variants (like the 'i must stash away money for myself and hide it from him just in case' rule). However, the rule is already so deeply ingrained in their minds since young that it'll take more than the 3 of us to convince them otherwise.

It's sad when husband and wife spend their days not trusting their partners 100%. Seriously, why even bother saying 'I do' when you don't trust that he will honour his lifetime commitment to you? What foundations are your marriages based on?

As a guy, I would feel terrible if my wife feels that i might be fooling around. You say you've seen so many cases of men fooling around. But I'm not those men. I am myself. What have I personally done to deserve the 80-20 treatment? Can I start thinking my wife is a s-l-u-t after I hear that her female colleagues are sleeping around with other guys? Ladies, please realise that you're not being fair to your husbands.

A couple cannot possibly find true happiness if both doesn't trust each other wholeheartedly. Do you honestly think your husband will find the motivation to love and treasure you 100% if he senses that you don't trust him?

He would be thinking, "why bother? I deserve someone better.." and that makes it easier for him to succumb to whatever temptations outside.. temptations that he might not have succumbed to if he was thinking: "I have a woman at home who loves and trusts me 100%. There is no better woman out there for me."

And you.. poor you! He makes the effort to make you happy by buying you an expensive gift. You enjoy it 80% and 20% of your mind is filled with thoughts of "Is he doing this to cover up for his misdeeds outside?". You call that a happy marriage???

I learned the importance of trust after years of not getting it from my mum. I was hurt very deeply emotionally by that. I have also seen with my own eyes how the lack of trust drove her husband further and further away from her. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy really. Ladies, i can only beg you to change your mindsets for your own good. I've severed ties with my mum and her husband who cheated on her. People often say, blood is thicker than water. But look at what the lack of trust has done. Still not convinced?

For my own marriage (ROM on 10 June but living together for some time le), I can proudly say I trust her 100% (4 years madly in love with each other and I've never felt an urge to check on her handphone messages). She was brought up the traditional way but she has slowly seen the benefits of trusting me fully. It has made it so easy for us to show how much we love each other. It's not 100% but it's getting close I reckon. Men are not as insensitive as u think we are. We can tell when you're doubting us.

Everyone deserves a happy marriage. But it's something we need to work at, not doubted.

[korea 0]

singhao, somehow i agree to what you had said. haiz. don't leh.

[korea 0]

let me describe to you about my hubby. whenever i want something (can be from cheap to extremely expensive) and he'll try his best to buy for me. he knows i'm crazy over LV bags and he still buy for me eventhough he realises LV bags are very expensive. he's very thrifty to himself. he can buy a cheapo bag for himself to use for many years and still refuse to change a new one. he also knows that i like sookee brilliant rose diamond ring and he can spend 20k++ to buy the brilliant rose diamond ring for me. when buying/choosing a new car, he'll ask me which brand and which model i like. our current car brand, model and color are all chosen by me. when i was learning driving, he paid for everything. even we went to tours (the countries that we went also decided by me) and he also paid for everything. he knows i like dogs and he bought me a dog 3 years ago. from the day i've resigned from my job and he always buy lunch for me without fail. with all the above mentioned, should i still stick to my 80% trust and 20% monitor "rule"???

[Homeowner 1]

Think you should focus your time improving yourself and working towards being the best wife possible.

[ahnah 0]

Think you should focus your time improving yourself and working towards being the best wife possible.

[Air 0]

I think we have all gotten a bit too serious about the 80-20% trust thing...I dun think there's a problem in the r/s just because you don't trust your other half 100%. Like what karen and korea said, if there's something fishy going on, you won't want to be the last to know...of course, we don't go around sniffing and digging for clues. The 80-20% trust thing is only to make us more alert with our partner's happenings rather than go around suspecting our other half. When you are concerned about your partner's behaviour, does that constitute an unhealthy r/s? I don't believe the ladies here, incl me, are out to make their other halves' lives difficult. We all love our partners, just that if things suddenly go wrong, you will be the first to detect and be able to talk things out and rectify any problems asap. So isn't that healthier??

We don't carry the 80-20% trust thing on our forehead and we don't constantly suspect his behaviour. It's only when your partner's habits suddenly change, you know immediately.

There are many women out there who are able to trust their other halves 100% but there are also those who aren't. So do you go around saying that there's a problem in their r/s just cos of this?!? We have our own reasons for maintaining that 20% and that does not mean that we do not love our partner or we are constantly suspicious of his behaviour.

Ultimately, I believe the ladies who supported the 80-20% trust is to make ourselves more alert of our partner's behaviour so that if there is any cause for concern, we can step in to rectify immediately. To me, that is not unhealthy. Unhealthy is when you don't ask where, what, when, why, how. If things go wrong at some point, any detection or remedy might be too late.

Furthermore, what does 100% trust means? Means you don't ask your partner at all where he's going and what he's doing? U don't ask about his daily life at all? Means that you trust him wholeheartedly at 100% that you can be sure where he is at any point of time? This is just an example.

If you do start to ask, does that already consitute a less-than-100% trust??!? As I said, we all have different perspectives of what that 80-20% trust means and I think it's rather unfair to conclude that there is a problem in our r/s or it's an unhealthy r/s just because of that.

Edited June 2, 2007 by Air