Any Of Yr Hubbies Work Very Late Every Day?

[singhao 0]

let me describe to you about my hubby. whenever i want something (can be from cheap to extremely expensive) and he'll try his best to buy for me. he knows i'm crazy over LV bags and he still buy for me eventhough he realises LV bags are very expensive. he's very thrifty to himself. he can buy a cheapo bag for himself to use for many years and still refuse to change a new one. he also knows that i like sookee brilliant rose diamond ring and he can spend 20k++ to buy the brilliant rose diamond ring for me. when buying/choosing a new car, he'll ask me which brand and which model i like. our current car brand, model and color are all chosen by me. when i was learning driving, he paid for everything. even we went to tours (the countries that we went also decided by me) and he also paid for everything. he knows i like dogs and he bought me a dog 3 years ago. from the day i've resigned from my job and he always buy lunch for me without fail. with all the above mentioned, should i still stick to my 80% trust and 20% monitor "rule"???

What you have described above is irrelevant. Whether the 20% should come in or not does not depend on how much your husband loves you or what he does to make you happy. Trust him when he dotes on you like a queen but dun trust him as much if he treats you any lesser than that? I would call that materialistic. As long as you call him your husband, and you his wife, there should be total trust in a marriage.

The lack of it will only eventually pry open any weaknesses in your marriage.

On another note, may i ask what you have done for your husband (who obviously dotes on you), to make him as happy as you? How do you make sure that he will continue loving you this way 10, 20, 30 years down the road?

[singhao 0]

I think we have all gotten a bit too serious about the 80-20% trust thing...I dun think there's a problem in the r/s just because you don't trust your other half 100%. Like what karen and korea said, if there's something fishy going on, you won't want to be the last to know...of course, we don't go around sniffing and digging for clues. The 80-20% trust thing is only to make us more alert with our partner's happenings rather than go around suspecting our other half. When you are concerned about your partner's behaviour, does that constitute an unhealthy r/s? I don't believe the ladies here, incl me, are out to make their other halves' lives difficult. We all love our partners, just that if things suddenly go wrong, you will be the first to detect and be able to talk things out and rectify any problems asap. So isn't that healthier??

We don't carry the 80-20% trust thing on our forehead and we don't constantly suspect his behaviour. It's only when your partner's habits suddenly change, you know immediately.

There are many women out there who are able to trust their other halves 100% but there are also those who aren't. So do you go around saying that there's a problem in their r/s just cos of this?!? We have our own reasons for maintaining that 20% and that does not mean that we do not love our partner or we are constantly suspicious of his behaviour.

Ultimately, I believe the ladies who supported the 80-20% trust is to make ourselves more alert of our partner's behaviour so that if there is any cause for concern, we can step in to rectify immediately. To me, that is not unhealthy. Unhealthy is when you don't ask where, what, when, why, how. If things go wrong at some point, any detection or remedy might be too late.

Furthermore, what does 100% trust means? Means you don't ask your partner at all where he's going and what he's doing? U don't ask about his daily life at all? Means that you trust him wholeheartedly at 100% that you can be sure where he is at any point of time? This is just an example.

If you do start to ask, does that already consitute a less-than-100% trust??!? As I said, we all have different perspectives of what that 80-20% trust means and I think it's rather unfair to conclude that there is a problem in our r/s or it's an unhealthy r/s just because of that.

Hi Air,

I understand what you mean by not wanting to be the last to know. It's also perfectly fine to rectify things when you have noticed something going wrong.

I must first clarify that asking questions does not automatically constitute less than 100% trust. The important question is, what is the motive for asking those questions. Are you asking because you are 1) geniunely interested in what is going on in his exciting/boring/whatever life, or are you asking 2) to check for any weird behavour? Unless you're naggy, guys would love the former as it shows you CARE. The latter only shows you are SUSPICIOUS.

Imagine innocent you being held up by the police and questioned as a potential murderer. You like that? This example is extreme for comparison purposes but the damage to his heart is no doubt done, albeit in differing degrees.

Not trusting a man 100% is perfectly fine. But why marry him when you don't trust him totally? What is a marriage to you?

Trusting a guy 100% will give him one more reason to reject that indecent proposal. You snooping around gives him one more reason to cover up his tracks better after some wrongdoing.

One is prevention. The other is not even the cure.

Upkeeping a marriage is not easy. The last thing you should do is to create something out of nothing to create more tension between you two.

[Air 0]

Hi Air,

I understand what you mean by not wanting to be the last to know. It's also perfectly fine to rectify things when you have noticed something going wrong.

I must first clarify that asking questions does not automatically constitute less than 100% trust. The important question is, what is the motive for asking those questions. Are you asking because you are 1) geniunely interested in what is going on in his exciting/boring/whatever life, or are you asking 2) to check for any weird behavour? Unless you're naggy, guys would love the former as it shows you CARE. The latter only shows you are SUSPICIOUS.

Imagine innocent you being held up by the police and questioned as a potential murderer. You like that? This example is extreme for comparison purposes but the damage to his heart is no doubt done, albeit in differing degrees.

Not trusting a man 100% is perfectly fine. But why marry him when you don't trust him totally? What is a marriage to you?

Trusting a guy 100% will give him one more reason to reject that indecent proposal. You snooping around gives him one more reason to cover up his tracks better after some wrongdoing.

One is prevention. The other is not even the cure.

Upkeeping a marriage is not easy. The last thing you should do is to create something out of nothing to create more tension between you two.

What u said makes perfect sense but as I said many times, we all have different perspectives of what the 80-20% entails. I also said we don't go snooping around for clues on "suspected" infidelity. I have also emphasised that we are only being more "alert". Seriously, I don't think there's anything wrong with being more alert. Of course, that doesn't mean we jump to conclusions the moment we sensed something amiss. The key is communication and that is why I have also made my point of talking things out.

Do not make conclusions that just because of the 80-20% trust, we are going to go around suspecting our partner. I think if I were to do that, I would be very bz. Some of us just prefer to reserve that extra level of alertness, you know, for just-in-case situations

[zirhk3355 1]

What u said makes perfect sense but as I said many times, we all have different perspectives of what the 80-20% entails. I also said we don't go snooping around for clues on "suspected" infidelity. I have also emphasised that we are only being more "alert". Seriously, I don't think there's anything wrong with being more alert.

Let me see...since I last checked, I am alert during my guard duty in NS, I am alert when my boss ask me to go inside his office, I am alert when speaking to business competitors, I am alert when speaking to property/insurance agents, etc. And yes, I was alert when my first girlfriend told me she really loves me and she can do anything with me...(oops, too much information).

Anyway, just compare the people that you are always alert with, which includes your husband, and compare the status of these people. I bet you will come to realise that your husband is the ONLY person who has family relations with you.

And there is certainly something wrong when you consider this: Are you ever alert against your parents, just in case they might harm you one day? No? Why not? They could, you know, given so many child abuse cases reported; so why do every child trust their parents??

Wait I am not going into comparing parental love and spousal love, I know they are quite different. But TRUST is the key - our trust for FAMILY MEMBERS should always be the same and at the highest level.

Can I start thinking my wife is a s-l-u-t after I hear that her female colleagues are sleeping around with other guys? Ladies, please realise that you're not being fair to your husbands.

If you had noticed, its not that the young forummers here hearing that the husbands' colleagues are sleeping around, but its that THEIR OWN colleagues or worse, they read those women's magazines on how husbands always cheat on wives, and come to the conclusion that they better start *retaining* 20% of their trust for the husbands, or else...erm, or else what? They also duno...just want to retain lor!! Shiok mah!

I think we have all gotten a bit too serious about the 80-20% trust thing...I dun think there's a problem in the r/s just because you don't trust your other half 100%. Like what karen and korea said, if there's something fishy going on, you won't want to be the last to know...of course, we don't go around sniffing and digging for clues.

I have another question which again I bet nobody would dare to reply me:

What is the difference of being the first to know and the last the know?? Oh, first to know, I feel less hurt, last to know, more hurt?? Again is 80% hurt compared to 20% hurt? How does THAT feel??

Or is it a matter of face, at the end of the day?? "Oh, because if I am the first to know hor, then those san-ku liu-por come and tell me my husband go outside have affair, I can tell them, 'Chey! Old news lah - I know already!!' Then I won't lose face mahh..." Shiok!

[korea 0]

I think we have all gotten a bit too serious about the 80-20% trust thing...I dun think there's a problem in the r/s just because you don't trust your other half 100%. Like what karen and korea said, if there's something fishy going on, you won't want to be the last to know...of course, we don't go around sniffing and digging for clues. The 80-20% trust thing is only to make us more alert with our partner's happenings rather than go around suspecting our other half. When you are concerned about your partner's behaviour, does that constitute an unhealthy r/s? I don't believe the ladies here, incl me, are out to make their other halves' lives difficult. We all love our partners, just that if things suddenly go wrong, you will be the first to detect and be able to talk things out and rectify any problems asap. So isn't that healthier??

We don't carry the 80-20% trust thing on our forehead and we don't constantly suspect his behaviour. It's only when your partner's habits suddenly change, you know immediately.

There are many women out there who are able to trust their other halves 100% but there are also those who aren't. So do you go around saying that there's a problem in their r/s just cos of this?!? We have our own reasons for maintaining that 20% and that does not mean that we do not love our partner or we are constantly suspicious of his behaviour.

Ultimately, I believe the ladies who supported the 80-20% trust is to make ourselves more alert of our partner's behaviour so that if there is any cause for concern, we can step in to rectify immediately. To me, that is not unhealthy. Unhealthy is when you don't ask where, what, when, why, how. If things go wrong at some point, any detection or remedy might be too late.

Furthermore, what does 100% trust means? Means you don't ask your partner at all where he's going and what he's doing? U don't ask about his daily life at all? Means that you trust him wholeheartedly at 100% that you can be sure where he is at any point of time? This is just an example.

If you do start to ask, does that already consitute a less-than-100% trust??!? As I said, we all have different perspectives of what that 80-20% trust means and I think it's rather unfair to conclude that there is a problem in our r/s or it's an unhealthy r/s just because of that.

i agree with you. anyway, men and women will have different point of views when comes to the word "trust". it's a never ending story.

What you have described above is irrelevant. Whether the 20% should come in or not does not depend on how much your husband loves you or what he does to make you happy. Trust him when he dotes on you like a queen but dun trust him as much if he treats you any lesser than that? I would call that materialistic. As long as you call him your husband, and you his wife, there should be total trust in a marriage.

The lack of it will only eventually pry open any weaknesses in your marriage.

On another note, may i ask what you have done for your husband (who obviously dotes on you), to make him as happy as you? How do you make sure that he will continue loving you this way 10, 20, 30 years down the road?

all the while, i'll still have the 80% trust and 20% monitor "rule" regardless whether he treats me like a queen a not. i love him that why the 20% monitor comes along. maybe men will never understand.

[Chunky Monkey 2]

I'm throwing up my arms in the air .......

[LinDa 0]

it seems like this is blowing out of proportionately serious.. all of us have different viewpoints.. and to me its good because i can understand more about how someone else thinks..

what moulds my beliefs is my experience through my 7 years marriage and 6 yrs motherhood.. so i don't think i qualify to be a young forummer.. and what i've shared is all tougue in cheek and never meant to be dissected for extensive evaluation and deliberate discussion..

marriage is one's own and not one relationship is the same.. to those whom already have the perfect harmonious marriage, i congratulate you and to us those that don't, lets continue to work harder!!

p.s: can i re-term it the 100% trust and 0.000002% alertness rule then??

Edited June 2, 2007 by LinDa

[zirhk3355 1]

It is starting to seem like at the end of the day, the wives here are being alert to:

1. Prevent themselves from being hurt, and

2. Save face.

Can someone tell me that I am wrong?? I really hope that I am wrong, because if I am right, the state of affairs with our young couples is really saddening. Really no pun intended this time...

Having anyone hear of the saying, "If you really love him/her, let him/her go. If s/he comes back, s/he is yours to keep".

[LinDa 0]

I'm throwing up my arms in the air .......

i understand u meant well.. the 'lecturing' part i've mentioned previously is without malice..

It is starting to seem like at the end of the day, the wives here are being alert to:

1. Prevent themselves from being hurt, and

2. Save face.

the save face part is not true.. who cares abt saving face when i want to save my marriage if something happens?? i guess to me the prevent hurt part is somewhat true.. coz, i find, being alert allows me to save my marriage earlier if i sense anything than when its too late.. personal viewpont pls.. don't scrutinize my answer to yr reply..

i agree with tat saying and its wat i'm learning to preach and practise..

Edited June 2, 2007 by LinDa

[korea 0]

the save face part is not true.. who cares abt saving face when i want to save my marriage if something happens?? i guess to me the prevent hurt part is somewhat true.. coz, i find, being alert allows me to save my marriage earlier if i sense anything than when its too late.. personal viewpont pls.. don't scrutinize my answer to yr reply..

i agree with tat saying and its wat i'm learning to preach and practise..

i agree with you (in red)!

[Air 0]

I agree with Linda that this is blowing out of proportion. There are many different kinds of ppl in this world and with that, different methods of doing things. I do not condemn those who have 100% trust in their partners so why does it seem that those who believe in the 80-20% trust are being slammed?? We all have different ways of managing our r/s. It is not fair to start lecturing to us about how we should go about trusting our partner because what is effective to one does not mean it is effective to another. We are all here to just share our viewpoints so what's up with the blaming?? Don't get it.

Edited June 3, 2007 by Air

[Air 0]

What is the difference of being the first to know and the last the know?? Oh, first to know, I feel less hurt, last to know, more hurt?? Again is 80% hurt compared to 20% hurt? How does THAT feel??

Or is it a matter of face, at the end of the day?? "Oh, because if I am the first to know hor, then those san-ku liu-por come and tell me my husband go outside have affair, I can tell them, 'Chey! Old news lah - I know already!!' Then I won't lose face mahh..." Shiok!

First to know : You can salvage your r/s asap and talk things out

Last to know : Too late. Gone case. Byebye.

U seriously think we are so shallow as to consider about "face" if things go wrong?!? Who cares about face when your r/s is giong downhill??

Edited June 3, 2007 by Air

[zirhk3355 1]

First to know : You can salvage your r/s asap and talk things out

Last to know : Too late. Gone case. Byebye.

U seriously think we are so shallow as to consider about "face" if things go wrong?!? Who cares about face when your r/s is giong downhill??

Husband already has an affair, even if you are first to know, what can you do? Ok if you think you can really save the relationship after talking to him, this can be done even when you are the last to know.

First to know or last to know, it only a matter of how many people are aware of the matter. It does not change the status; if your husband wants to leave you, there's nothing you can do. If he wants to stay, it is never too late.

[zirhk3355 1]

i guess to me the prevent hurt part is somewhat true.. coz, i find, being alert allows me to save my marriage earlier if i sense anything than when its too late.. personal viewpont pls.. don't scrutinize my answer to yr reply..

Sorry if I sound like I am scrutinizing your post, but you should look at it again: You had placed 'preventing hurt' BEFORE 'saving my marriage'.

Really hate to say this, but in all of you, it does seemed that way - not to get hurt seemed to be more important than to save the marriage. Put it this way: You will not allow yourself to be hurt in order to save the marriage, because YOURSELF comes first. And I think that is the root of the problem and argument here; why you all keep insisting that you want to retain what '20% trust' issue, while the rest of us are always trying to tell you to treasure your marriage before its too late.

i agree with tat saying and its wat i'm learning to preach and practise..

Are you sure? If so, then you will never retain any 20% or ask any questions. Someone who is trying to follow the saying will have the mindset that if my spouse want to go, then go lor. Its fate - if s/he comes back, it is fate also.

[Roflmaoxz 0]

Well, anyone working today?? Yes I'm working!