Any Of Yr Hubbies Work Very Late Every Day?

[karen77sg 0]

I believe in the 80-20 trust method too. Though my fiance kept reassuring me that he can swear he will never be unfaithful, I hve my doubts, not now but maybe n future...who knows what may happen... He's a nice guy and treats me very well but I've told him straight that I will never trust him 100%....abit harsh but I believe in protecting myself first cos in any scenario, women will always be at the losing end.

That said, of course I do not suspect his every move...if not, i will be very bz...

At least there are some tink alikes....he he....went for dinner few days back with a 30 plus married

mother of 3. She is a matured lady who gives me valuable advice on my problems

and the "trust yr husband" thingy....She told me it is v important to hv TRUST in yr

HB, bt she herself also tink is not the 100% thing...She says good sex life, trust and

communication is very very important in a marriage. But dun BLINDLY trust, sometimes

really also must monitor but of course not to keep tabs 24 hrs.

Those whom trust their HB 100% is good la...bt there are some whom really cannot do it

lor...hahaha....as I said to each own...wat is most important is u feel comfortable!

Hi karen77sg,

U'r not alone. My hubby oso work till late at nite sometimes. Till date, I still wait in the office for him until he fetch me. kolig ask why wait, can go home 1st. I say never mind. Cos everytime, we communicate during the journey home. By the time, we reach home, hubby already prepare to sleep zzz..

Even if sometimes, I go home first, I will sure be stuck to the tv or internet or housework.. hehe.. So doesn't feel the loneliness.

karen,

yup relax urself & be as comfy as possible. Gd idea to enrol urself in the cooking class.. Yeah.. next tm can cook for us forummers.. hehe

I also believe in the 80-20 trust method, cos u will never know. And most important, I believe in wat goes around, come around. So if hubby not faithful now (*touchwood*), next time he sure kenna one.. of cos I won't the one unfaithful.

True true.....U nvr noe who is yr hubby/wife until the day u die.....all agrees??

[LinDa 0]

And yes, always have couple dates by yourselves or with friends. All the best. Who ever said marriage is easy.

Find what makes each other tick and you'll have a perfect formula in your marriage.

For me, hard to have couple dates with ourselves or with friends coz noone wants to help me look after my boy.. So its always three of us going out or at home for the last 6 yrs.. Only couple time is only when son is asleep lor.. Guess being that way made us drifted somehow..

But I strongly believe that couple time is important and can strengthen the relationship.. Coz we've been staying at my parent's place for the last two months (sold old place, new place not ready) so there's always people at home.. And my parents weird la.. Last time I request them to look after my boy for couple of hours, refuse to but now that I'm staying here, sometimes me and hubby need to go out to look at some furniture, they dont mind minding my boy at home in this instance.. Could be due to if I bring my boy over, got to carry many barangs to keep him entertained so they find troublesome but now everything is here.. Anyways, the point is that me and hubby do go out now and then on our own and I find we seem to relive our pak-tor days and it made us more loving..

Him humouring me makes me tick and me ignoring him makes him tick..

[Chunky Monkey 2]

^^ Help me out here, LinDA. Your 1st paragraph and 2nd paragraph contradict each other.

I am assuming you meant it's not easy to find help to look after your son, so you can spend time with your husband, even though you are living with your parents. What you need to do, is to dedicate time to your parents too (they need their private time as well) where they can be free to do their own things without having to look after your son for you all the time. Similarly speaking, you too need to speak with your parents that you need to spend quiet time with your husband to preserve your marriage. Open up and talk about these things. It makes everyone happy. Otherwise, each and everyone in your own space think the other is selfish.

[LinDa 0]

Why can't you give your 100%? Because you will be deemed weak for giving your 100%? Silly for giving your heart 100%. What's wrong with being 100% ga ga in love with your husband or BF?

I find it even more silly telling your SO that you only love him 80%. What do you expect him to say or react to that? Do you think he will love you 120% so that you will feel more secure? No, he will love you less too. And harbour some escape route in case you too, disappoint him in some way in the future.

SG men can be rather selfish at times. They want to remain in the good books of buddies and sometimes put their friends before their SOs. Why? Because these so called buddies are prone to brand them as being hen-pecked and it's bad for their male egos. I wish these men understand that it's childish. Any man who puts their wives/GFs before themselves are to be cherished. Your friends may never last the lifetime that you are in. Ask yourself who do you want to have by your side when you are 70 years old? Do you want to hold your beloved's hand at 70 years old or do you see yourself huddled at the void decks of HDBs with other old folkies at 70?

I think just between the 2 of you ... you still need to talk out your ideology of love and marriage. And your expectations. Seriously.

Ok, I think that makes us 3.. I support the 80-20 rule also.. I mean I love my hubby tons and loads and millions.. I'm ga-ga over him.. BUT I'm not trusting him 100%.. Not coz of his character but I find its the women outside whom are scary.. And I feel most men (maybe except yours) can't handle temptations.. So we still got to keep a look out now and then.. Its not like we are obessively possessive or restrictive or questioning lor..

I tell my hubbby 'YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT, DON'T GET CAUGHT BY ME, IF NOT, ITS O-V-E-R!' That said easier than done.. I've been through some rough patches ourselves and more loving now than ever.. I just hope it will stay this way or be more..

Yr hubby is ang mo?? I guess most (not all la, I'm sure there are lousy ones) ang mos tend to be more sensitive to women needs and feelings.. Most (not all la, I'm sure there are good ones) sg men are more MCP and insensitive lor, not that they are nasty la, just not romantic enough or can't detect our moods and do the right thing..

[LinDa 0]

^^ Help me out here, LinDA. Your 1st paragraph and 2nd paragraph contradict each other.

I am assuming you meant it's not easy to find help to look after your son, so you can spend time with your husband, even though you are living with your parents. What you need to do, is to dedicate time to your parents too (they need their private time as well) where they can be free to do their own things without having to look after your son for you all the time. Similarly speaking, you too need to speak with your parents that you need to spend quiet time with your husband to preserve your marriage. Open up and talk about these things. It makes everyone happy. Otherwise, each and everyone in your own space think the other is selfish.

Haha..

First para is when we were living on our own from jan 2001 to feb 2007.. Second is when I move back pending my new place's renovations from feb 2007 to current.. got timeline easier to understand la..

My parents are traditionalists so do not like to communicate.. They do not understand couple time.. They refuse to look after my son for me last time if me and my hubby wants to go out occasionally coz my dad is a very traditional old man whom nearly suffered a heart attack knowing his first born wants to get married at 20 yrs old as she is having a baby in 7 months time.. So he feels that since I was so stubborn to want to get married despite his violent objections, I should bear full responsibility for my actions so no help should be given by him.. And my mom listens to him.. My siblings always not in so not able to help either..

But lately coz I'm so old already and son so old already plus my siblings none of them are married yet and he is hoping for another grandchild, suddenly don't mind looking after my son so that we can go out. Further, I'm staying here now, its easier for them to take care in the sense that, I can put my son to sleep first before catching a midnight with hubby etc.. Unlike when we do not stay here, I still got to bring my son and his stuffs over which was more troublesome lor..

Edited May 26, 2007 by LinDa

[Chunky Monkey 2]

Yr hubby is ang mo?? I guess most (not all la, I'm sure there are lousy ones) ang mos tend to be more sensitive to women needs and feelings.. Most (not all la, I'm sure there are good ones) sg men are more MCP and insensitive lor, not that they are nasty la, just not romantic enough or can't detect our moods and do the right thing..

My husband is British. And he is a traditionist when it comes to the "shrine of marriage". He holds marriage & family life in very high esteem.

I don't support women telling their husbands "YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT, DON'T GET CAUGHT BY ME, IF NOT, ITS O-V-E-R". You are only planting ideas in their minds that they can have some dangerous liaisons, just don't get caught. It's like telling a child, "don't touch" and the child touches. "don't climb" and the child tries it. "don't be lazy" and the child wonders what is the meaning of lazy and then be lazy. I think this is a cultural thing, where Asians in general are more negative; more dismissive and reprimand instead of praise; blame instead of reflect, and scold instead of counsel.

I married my husband because of his ideals. It's not all talk and no action. He is the sort that walks the talk and means 100% what he says. No lip service. He is my life partner. He works **** hard. Just this week, he covered 2 countries in 3 days, and just so he can get back to us today, before taking off again tomorrow night for another business trip. I know most other guys will take a connecting flight and stay away from family all weekend, and have some booze overseas. Not my husband. He puts us first.

He is a faithful husband and a dutiful father to our children. He works with passion and it's a rare trait. We always joked that he's from the dinosaur ages because he gives his all to his office. In this time and day, it's very rare; where youngsters think of job hopping to get their pay rises, and doing very little.

By posting this, I mean not to brag about my husband. I post so, that he can be a model that some husbands out there can emulate, and for wives out there to believe in the one they married. If you do not believe and trust your most significant person in your life, then the marriage is already flawed.

Edited May 26, 2007 by Chunky Monkey

[zirhk3355 1]

Hehe, nobody can answer to my question below?

Just a curious question for those who agree with the 80-20 trust thingy:

Does it makes a difference? I mean, does it mean that if you trust 80-20, then he won't go astray and if you trust 100%, he might go astray?? Surely not, right?

Or it is just the "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER" kinda feeling that makes you more secure as a woman?

Scenerios:

1. Husband go astray, I don't know - Aiya, nbz, so lu-gi!! *insecure*

2. Husband go astray, I KNOW - ok, shiok! Can run road (zao lor) first... *secure*

Hehe...just food for thought...

Does anyone remember the time when we were teenagers or even pre-teens, and some parents/teachers start to impose curfews, telling you cannot eat certain foods, cannot do certain things, cannot go out with certain people, etc? And what was our reactions?

Good for those who can say "I obeyed my parents' and teachers' instructions fully!", but I am sure you have friends who became even more rebellious when being restricted by their parents/teachers. Some would think, "I want to go out with that ah-beng because its fun, but I know how to protect myself de lor!" and go against your parents' wishes. Or worse, some would PURPOSELY do all the bad stuff, because never do also they don't trust me, so might as well do lah!

Of course, when the parents/teachers are restrictive does not mean the child has authority to rebel - two wrongs does not make one right. But then again, WHAT IS RIGHT AND WHAT IS WRONG?? WHO IS TO JUDGE? For eg, would you blame a child for running away from home when his parents always restrict him to come back immediately after school and forces him to take up tuition, piano, horse-riding (and what-have-you's) everyday?

This is a true story: When my married buddy (whose wife always question his actions/whereabouts) fell in love with another girl in office, I also cannot really point my finger at him. Yes, I must emphasise that he is WRONG to have an affair when he is married, but I also emphasise that I cannot blame him TOTALLY because his wife had somehow contributed to it too.

Put it this way lah: If you are a good wife who is most caring and understanding, show your love in the RIGHT WAY, you leave your husband with absolutely NO REASON to go astray.

Edited May 26, 2007 by zirhk3355

[Homeowner 1]

Hihi..just contributing my two cents worth.

I think marriage is a union of two people into one. A lasting and happy marriage requires commitment and effort, even sacrifice sometimes....A marriage cannot be allowed to go on autopilot... Just like the courtship before marriage, you need to put in effort to keep the flame burning.

But, I think that trust is a personal thing...a person who can't trust 100% cannot be persuaded to do so just because another trust 100% and think it is the right thing to do. Trust comes from the heart, from within. It's a belief. Some people are naturally, from their past experience or brought up, less trusting. Trust has to be earned by their respective partners.

Having said that, I also believe that distrust distances people. If I know that I'm not trusted by someone, I'd feel that I am put at an arms' length by the person, walled out and not loved enough. I'll naturally set up my own protective walls and escape routes so that I won't get hurt.

Don't think its a good thing to tell SO not to get caught...I thought he shouldn't play with fire in the first place right? What about his wedding vow to you? It's a committment.

[GMC 12]

Why won't you want to believe them/him?

Simply boz these women doesn't have confident in themselves.

[LinDa 0]

Simply boz these women doesn't have confident in themselves.

I guess its somewhat true that I'm not confident with myself inside though I seems confident on the outside..

Edited May 27, 2007 by LinDa

[zirhk3355 1]

Having said that, I also believe that distrust distances people. If I know that I'm not trusted by someone, I'd feel that I am put at an arms' length by the person, walled out and not loved enough. I'll naturally set up my own protective walls and escape routes so that I won't get hurt.

Most agreed... good!

[cornetto 0]

eh side track... if the "hubby work late club" really surfaces, do count me in eh? havin a gals night out & gg for a drink once in a while wld be nice =)

[karen77sg 0]

eh side track... if the "hubby work late club" really surfaces, do count me in eh? havin a gals night out & gg for a drink once in a while wld be nice =)

Good idea....when should we form one? Anyone cares to organise?

[Air 0]

Air, you will be married soon ... congratulations. But I don't see how retaining 20% is only to save you from any heartbreak. A heart break is a heart break. There is no 80% heartbreak versus a 100% heartbreak. So, in all due respect ... you're only kidding yourself, and giving yourself an illusion of a safety net.

The blatant truth in a long lasting and very happy marriage, is when you put your husband before yourself. It's hard to expect the same from your husband but if you show the way, may life reward you with abundance of joy and peace.

I think just between the 2 of you ... you still need to talk out your ideology of love and marriage. And your expectations. Seriously.

It's not about retaining 20% trust. Retain for what!?! It's definitely not for self-protection either.

I've seen enough of men fooling around, happened to my relatives, my close friends.and it's not a one or two cases..tell me, when you are surrounded by such events so often, how to expect me to have 100% trust for men?? Even men whom I thought will remain faithful to their other halves forever betrayed the women closest to them. Not that I have anything against men, just that I don't have the heart to trust any man 100%. I don't think I ever will too. I love my fiance but I do not go around suspecting him of having an affair. I have not gone to that extreme and I hope I never will.

[cornetto 0]

Good idea....when should we form one? Anyone cares to organise?

we can check out the latest haunts in town

It's not about retaining 20% trust. Retain for what!?! It's definitely not for self-protection either.

I've seen enough of men fooling around, happened to my relatives, my close friends.and it's not a one or two cases..tell me, when you are surrounded by such events so often, how to expect me to have 100% trust for men?? Even men whom I thought will remain faithful to their other halves forever betrayed the women closest to them. Not that I have anything against men, just that I don't have the heart to trust any man 100%. I don't think I ever will too. I love my fiance but I do not go around suspecting him of having an affair. I have not gone to that extreme and I hope I never will.

women cheat too. ironically, i'd seen more cases of women fooling ard than men having extra-marital affairs.