I Love Two Persons At The Same Time

[2708soul 0]

Feel very congested in heart so just want to let out here.

Had my rom 2 years ago, actual day is coming soon. But the feeling of lost getting stronger n stronger as the AD approaches.

My story goes here....

Due to some character difference 2 years ago, we went separate ways for a short period, and at the same time i fall in love with another guy, shall call him B. However, maybe has been together with A for so many years, when he asked me back i went back to him.... and we rom as a matter of fact. I do not know whether it is out of commitment, responsibility or that both of our families asked us to or is it because i really love him and want to spend my life with him.

It had been two years since I last saw B, I tot time will slowly heal the heart ache of leaving him for A. I tot once i got married to A, my heart will settle down. Marriage is sealed, heart should only contain A only. As much as i tried, B still linger in my mind. When i heard e song, i will think of him, when i went to this place i will think of him.... I went for counseling alone when i feel i just cant contain myself anymore. Slowly i tot things getting better. i tot i can start loving A as before.

Then one day i saw B, he is still like before.

But i am not anymore.

I keep remind myself that i am married. in another few months is our customary and I should be committed to my husband only. This is the rational side of me.

On the other hand, i hope i can throw away everything, people's judgement, responsibilities, morale... anything and just be with B. But i know i cant do that. I would let my family down.

Since the day i saw him, my heart is stirred once more. I have cheated myself. I keep counting down the days to my AD, i am very fearful.

I really do not know what to do.

What is happening to my life... Why i cant be just like any other happy brides, happily looking forward for the day? Did i make the wrong decision to go back to A... and even agree to register for marriage just because he afraid i will go back to B. Even if so, is too late now. Divorce is never a choice i want to make. What should i do................. Feel like getting car knocked down n died on e spot. This is e coward side of me to face the issue.

[zirhk3355 1]

At the end of the day, you make a decision not so much to prevent hurting others, not so much to stir clear of bad judgements, not so much about morales, not so much about responsibilities, although all these still matters, but its really all about answering to yourself.

At the end of the day, you make a decision that is the BEST for yourself.

In the mist of listening to your heart, do also consider rationally about your love for B. Do you really love him? Where did he 'pop' out from? Why did you started with him? Why did you go back to A then? Why did you say "I Do" to A at ROM, if you truly love B? Have you thought of all these?

Or perhaps, B is just some playful, subconscious fantasy at the back of your head? Someone that is really fun to be with, someone who is your escape from the reality of being a married woman and housewife?

Think, but in the end, you MUST make a decision and don't look back. Over and above, the only person that you have to answer to is yourself, and 10 years down the road, you must be able to tell yourself that was the best decision made at the point of time.

Good luck...

[gothique 0]

Hello hello

i think you are not the first person with this problem, if you go and read all the other forums, sure got people with this problem. and they really struggle a lot with it... but i believe that love can be nurtured over time... something like "the grass is always greener on the other side"... the "OTHER" guy will always be more attractive.

i hope that u can learn to put the past behind and treasure what u have now... and learn that life ahead can indeed be beautiful, but u have to honor the marriage commitment u made... and time and effort will make it worthwhile.

all the best!!!

[cookie 0]

yo.. learn to admire your husband. Surely he got something good that bought both of you together.

There are so many good guy out there but the main thing here is learnt to appreciate what you own now.

[korea 0]

in life, there're too many things you'll feel regret so no point to look back. usually, i don't look back in life and just carry on with life. what is done cannot be undone. treasure and cherish what and who you've now.

[applefreak 1]

hehe, think i'll provide a view of the 'other' side

ROM is not the end of the world, you can still try for an annulment

i.e. your marital status will go back to single, instead of divorced

do you think you will be happy married to someone bcoz you dun want to disappoint your family?

when you are down and out, will your family be there for you?

when you are really not happy in this marriage, will they ensure that they will make you happy again?

ultimately, it's you, and you yourself only, that have to live your life and the marriage

do you think you can really live with A for the rest of your life?

do you think it is fair to him to have a wife who keep thinking of another man?

how would he feel if he knows that when you are making love that he is not the one on your mind?

give yourself and A a chance to have another stab at happiness...

like they say, what is the point when you can have the body but not the heart

[kenmura 0]

sigh

As they say in mandarin, yi(2) ri(4) fu(1) qi(1) bai(3) ri(4) en(1)

You've really got to give your marriage a good shot....

However, like applefreak said, if after giving it your best shot you still think that happiness is not possible with your husband, then maybe you should consider getting a divorce.

But a divorce should only be a final measure - not the easy way out.

[HSH21 1]

I think U should make up your mind now...

Option 1... if U love A.... marry him and forget about B...

Option 2... if U don't love A... talks to A and face the fact... no point marry him and regret for the rest of your life...

[2708soul 0]

Thanks all for your kind advice.

as said, end of the day I will have to face it myself no matter what.

I told B before, you appear in my life a little too late. Guess i just have to accept it.

I know I will be happier with him, not because he is some fantasy in my head. Somehow it is just the instinct. Do not know how to describe it.

Alot of 'if' comes into my head...

If only i have not married A...

If only i know what i want....

if only i am stronger...

if only i have the courage to make my own decision....

I know there is no point saying 'if' now. Life still goes on.

[raincole 0]

You really need to give yourself more time instead of rushing into marriage. Are you able to push back your AD? If you haven't inform your friends & relatives, it should be alots easier.

Give yourself some time alone without the mens, go out with your girlfriends. Give yourself space from them.

Lastly, who do you think of when you go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning. It is likely to be the one you loved.

[GnM 0]

Thanks all for your kind advice.

as said, end of the day I will have to face it myself no matter what.

I told B before, you appear in my life a little too late. Guess i just have to accept it.

I know I will be happier with him, not because he is some fantasy in my head. Somehow it is just the instinct. Do not know how to describe it.

Alot of 'if' comes into my head...

If only i have not married A...

If only i know what i want....

if only i am stronger...

if only i have the courage to make my own decision....

I know there is no point saying 'if' now. Life still goes on.

after all that advice... especially the good one from applefreak and you are still not decided... someone oughtta give you a good smack in the head!!

you are obviously not ready for the next step in a relationship... why the rush?!?

from what i see, you are getting into a relationship for selfish reasons --> you dun want to be alone... as the hokkien saying goes... bo hee hea ah hor (no fish, prawn also good)

from what you have written, it seems you have no place in your heart for A since the break up. You got back with A cos B is no where in sight.

well, all this while you are seeing things from YOUR point of view. Have you tried walking in A's shoe? What if A is doing that to you? Heck, what IF B is doing that to you? how would you feel?

Like what applefreak said, it is not fair to A if you went ahead with your AD and then during your consummation, your mind is with B when A is the one making love to you.

Any husband would be disgusted and betrayed (in some sense) if it happened to them!

Putting myself in your shoes, it would be easier said than done to bite the bullet and face what is to come. So here is what I want you to do...

Sit yourself down... think of your AD... who is the first person that comes to mind? A? B? or no one in particular?

Close your eyes... think one year down the road... you are in your living room, who is the one sitting on the couch in front of the TV? A? B? or no one in particular?

Close your eyes... imagine yourself on your bed, when you open your eyes in the morning, who do you see? A? B? or no one in particular?

Now bring yourself 5 years down the road, who do you see walking beside you when you are shopping? A? B? or no one in particular?

5 years from now, in your kitchen, and you are cooking a sumptuous meal... who is sitting in the dining room? A? B? or no one in particular?

if you do not have a clear answer to all the above questions... my best advice for you is to hold off your AD till you are TOTALLY clear on what you want. When i say totally, i really mean totally! No need to pause and think to look for an answer when being ask the above questions!

I am a person who treasure relationships, that is why i did not just get into a relationship for the sake of it. My First girlfriend is now my wife... and i treasure her for who she is, and who she loves --> me.

And I am sure A would want the same... so if you cannot give him the very basic thing in a marriage... your heart, then you gotta seriously reconsider your situation and position instead of going thru the motion of a marriage.

This will save you lots of regrets and heartaches in time to come.

Don't just ask "what if"s if you have no love for the man you are marrying... ask more of what you are going to do about it.

We can only show you the door, whether to walk thru it or not, it is up to you.

[applefreak 1]

i know sometimes it's not an easy choice to make

especially you'll have to practically explain to EVERYONE why you dun want to go through with it

trust me, i know coz i went through it before

upon receipt of the letter from hdb (several years ag) asking me to go down and collect the keys to my flat, i sat down and thought through the whole night thinking about it. did i apply for the flat bcoz i really want to start a family with my ex-fiance, or did i want the flat bcoz i want to have my own place? is it fair to him, and me, if i just go through it coz i am too lazy to explain my reason of not going through it?

at the end of the night, i realise i cannot answer this question

IS THIS WHAT I REALLY WANT?

when i realise my answer is - 'I Don't Know'

i know then i'm not ready, and most probably never be ready (for my ex-fiance)

maybe i was selfish but i know i did not truly love him

now he is happily married with two children and i have never regretted giving him a chance, and mysef too, at real happiness

i am still not married but i think i'm happier now coz if i had gone ahead then

i'd be a divorcee now

[raincole 0]

applefreak, you are very brave.

Must learn from govt, don't take the shortcut out because it is easy. Go for the hard way because it is the RIGHT thing to do. You will be able to look back without regrets.

In future, you may not be with either A or B, maybe C or D will come along. So happiness will still come, if not now then later

[whiteivory 0]

Hello, just to share my thoughts. I feel you should get assurance from B that the feelings between both of you is mutual, not one-sided. Ask him if he is really wants to commit to a relationship with you. Do have a heart-to-heart talk.

And this thing called "instinct" doesnt work in real life. It takes time to really ascertain if B and you are really compatible, eg personality and values, only when you spend a sufficient length of time together, not as couple, maybe as friends to start with.

Lastly, I feel that you should also tell A about what is going on now. I feel it is utmost unfair to deceive him, even though is only your thoughts, and maybe he has already started to feel something not right.

All the best. Happiness awaits you only if you are answerable to your actions.

[gothique 0]

er... hello i just wanna highlight something here

i think some of us treat ROM as "not yet married, still can back out" and some of us feel that ROM = married already

maybe 2708soul must make her own distinction... but my feeling is, there must be a certain date (be it the ROM date or the wedding date) where u make a decision to commit. and once that decision is made, NEVER to look back and regret.

if haven't past the "commitment" date yet. can still call off the wedding (and highly encourage to do so if u are not sure)

if past the "commitment" date already, since already made the vow and decision, you should honour ur marriage vows and never look back on ur decision.

anyone agree with me?